Mike's Marathon Blog

I was completely unaware that finding out the sex of the baby is a highly debated topic. I thought some people found out and some didn’t. I didn’t know that some people were extremely adamant about one side or the other. One of the very first questions people ask is ‘are you going to find out the sex of the baby?’ That’s your first question, really? I have so many questions for myself nevermind questions others must have for me.

Right off the bat, how about ‘Jesus, are you ready for this?’ Ummm, is anyone really ready for this? I don’t know how to start the dishwasher, change the oil in my car or cook any kind of meal more complicated than cereal, but I’m going to own a human being soon. Yea, I said own.

Luckily (for me and the baby’s sake), I am just a co-owner. Another plus for the baby is that the other co-owner is a Nurse Practitioner and has probably held and taken care of more infants than Octomom. Jack’s changed more diapers in her sleep than I have in my whole life. That’s really not saying much. Even if she’s only changed 1, it would still be a shutout.

Come to think of it, changing diapers can’t be anywhere near as bad as cleaning up after Tula. If the baby pees, I throw the diaper away. Done. If Tula pees where she’s not supposed to (statistics show this number to be around 30% of the time), I use about half a roll of paper towels to soak up the pee from my carpet (while she’s trying to bite me), spray ¼ can of stain remover on top, use another half a dozen sheets of paper towels to pick that up, yell at her and then wash the remaining pee off my hands. 1-0, baby.

If the baby poops, I wipe up a little and throw the diaper away. I know you’re thinking that Tula has to win this category because you don’t have to wipe her. You would think that if you were assuming Tula was a normal dog and not the Spawn of Satan. First of all, I have pick up her crap every time with a sandwich baggie and throw it in the dumpster outside. This isn’t too bad, but it’s obviously not something I wish to do 2-3 times per day. Some times, not everything comes out as clean as I would like. So, just like the poop-covered baby, I have to carry Tula inside so she doesn’t sit down anywhere (again, while she’s trying to bite me) and clean her with a baby wipe (yes, we have baby wipes in our house for the dog). I’ll split this one down the middle. I’m sure some times a baby’s diaper is so disgusting that your nose hairs actually disinigrate, but wiping Tula’s ass is just plain degrading.

Both kid and dog going simultaneously would be the mother of all evils. Picture this – me changing a FULL, smelly diaper while staring at Tula pissing in the kid’s carrier………..2^nd anxiety attack.