Mike's Marathon Blog

I started forming a ‘top 3 worst things to do on a weekend’ list in my head as I was driving to my Child/Infant CPR and First Aid certification class on Saturday morning. As I pulled into the Red Cross parking lot, my own funeral was still sitting at #2.

I walked in the building and noticed a few people sitting in the waiting area while the teacher was on her cell phone trying to unlock one of the classroom doors. She didn’t have the key. Of course she didn’t have the key! Why would she have the key!? I thought about pouring my scolding hot coffee into my eyeballs until I actually took a gander at the 5 ‘students’ sitting on the couch. Luckily I stopped myself because I was going to need my eyes today!!

All week, as I constantly explained to Jacky that I am BAT certified and would eventually find my 1996 certification card in my old bedroom at my parent’s house, I failed to ask myself the most important question about what to expect from an infant/child CPR class………what kind of people go to these types of classes? I actually don’t know how I missed it. I was so caught up in the negative, I didn’t even think of the Red Cross as being a hidden jewel for singles everywhere. Think about it, who needs to get certified in CPR? NURSING STUDENTS!!!!!!

The Red Cross needs to advertise on Match.com (first, hire me as their marketing manager and then start advertising). They should have a video on YouTube, commercials on TV, ads in magazines and my actual class should seriously be considered for the ad. Even using me as the lead male would get them new customers. I was the frigin Brad Pitt of the Red Cross on Saturday. I did not spend my day in a classroom; I spent it in every guy’s nurse/patient roleplay fantasy!

I was seriously a sitting duck as soon as I walked in the waiting room. I was like a nip at an AA meeting. Me and 5 chicks locked in a classroom for 7 hours? It was borderline unfair. If you played your cards right, any guy could have had their pick at any of these girls after the class. Young, hot, sweet, caring nursing students who are all a few years away from making $100k a year. You automatically have their attention as soon as you walk in because if you’re getting CPR certified, you obviously care about people. And not just regular people, babies!! You are attending this class to learn how to help an unconscious or choking infant! You took the time out of your busy weekend schedule because you care about cute, little helpless babies! Hey, single guys, just copy and paste those last 3 sentences directly into your Match profile! You can then change your profile name from Not Your Average Joe (actual name of friend on Match) to Baby Saver!

As we waited for someone to bring the key to open the classroom, the teacher asked us why we were taking the class. After 5 responses of ‘we need to get CPR certified because we’re hot nursing students,’ it was my turn. I was completely unprepared! As the others answered, I was teetering between recently adopting an orphan whose parents died in the tsunami a few years ago or legally adopting my Godson whose mother recently abandoned him on my doorstep (sorry Iris, but you were going to have to take one for the team here. By the way, if a random hot nursing student asks you if you’re the traveling gypsy on a quest to find the fountain of youth, just go with it!).

I eventually told them that I was a soon-to-be first time dad that wanted to be totally prepared for any emergency. They melted like popsicles in the desert. It turned out to be just as effective as the tsunami tale. You know how much chicks love guys that are already taken? It’s a challenge for them. Girls are trained to figure out ways to get whatever they want, so when they can’t have something, it drives them crazy! A young, happily married guy about to have a baby……let the games begin!!!

To be continued……………