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“Your beard is disgusting.”

“Please shave your beard.”

“Your beard is making me nauseous.”

You’re welcome New England!

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Ready or Not…….

It would be a vast understatement to say my mind has been racing for the past week or so. Like Indy 500 over and over and over! I’m typically calm, cool and collected, but the twitches in my right eye and shoulder would contradict that. I’ve only been stressed a few times in my life and these twitches are always the red flag. The shoulder is new, but I know the eye twitch all too well. As if I needed another reason to toss and turn all night!

I have been thinking about the craziest things for the past few days. Events that I forgot even happened, people that I haven’t seen in 10 years and even things I did when I was a little kid. The other day, out of nowhere, I was thinking about a movie that I used to watch when I was little, I mean real little! I have no idea what the movie was or what it was about, but I remembered scenes from the movie as if I just watched it!

I’ve been dreaming about people I went to high school and college with. I’m not sure if I’m imagining a ‘what life would have been if I went down this road’ type of dream, but most of the time the events are not what actually happened. I’m with people that I haven’t seen in years, even strangers. I have dreams that I went to a different school and had a different major. I also have dreams that I’ve had different occupations and even lived outside of New England. I’m almost positive the Ghost of Christmas Past is haunting me. Come to think of it, Tula is kind of like Tiny Tim with the busted leg and all.

It feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. I know this sounds extremely selfish. I should be focusing on the future and not dreaming of the past. I’m not making myself think like this! It’s just happening! Obviously, having a baby is a gigantic moment in life. The end of an era, if you will (the P-Funk Era…….anyone?). People say turning 30 or getting married ends a chapter in your life and starts a new one. This is true, but 30 is just a number and getting married is basically making your relationship ‘official.’ Nothing actually changes. Having a baby is a big deal! You can’t divorce your baby. You can’t quit your baby like a job. You can’t feed it twice a day and play with it once in awhile like a pet. You can’t return it for a refund. It’s yours for life, no matter what! Wait……..yup, there’s my twitch.

Wikipedia defines a ‘nervous breakdown’ as an acute phase of a specific disorder that presents primarily with features of anxiety. I have absolutely no idea what that means, but it included the word ‘anxiety,’ which pretty much sums up my current emotional state. I also noticed the term ‘adjustment disorder,’ which actually sounds more appropriate for my situation. I like that word ‘adjustment.’ Adjusting to something new is difficult, whether you’re ending school and entering the ‘real’ world, moving in with your significant other, moving on from your significant other, dealing with health issues or in my case, getting a new roommate for the next 18+ years. No one likes change, but unfortunately it’s a part of life. Adjusting to the change is really the only option. And the quicker, the better!

Everyone keeps asking me if I’m ready? I’m not sure if this is just a standard question to ask a soon-to-be new dad, but I really can’t stand it. No I’m not ready! Who is ready to raise a human being?! But guess what? Ready or not, that kid is coming! Hey, if the cavemen raised kids, I think I can figure it out (that caveman from the Geico commercials is so pissed at me right now).

The more I think about it, I believe the recent memory flashes have been a personal recap of my life thus far. Not that my life is over by any means, but I guess the first 3rd of my life is? Maybe this is giving me a chance to focus on myself one last time before I have to take a backseat to the baby? Hey, it’s been a pretty good run so far, I can’t complain. And apparently it’s just going to get better? That’s what a few crazy parents have been telling me. They also said I wouldn’t believe them until I actually see that baby, then I would understand. I trust them. All I know is every time I hang out with him now, he kicks and punches me. I think he’s just super excited to meet me.

Go B’s!

What a weekend! How amazing was the weather? Typical New England weather. We go from a dreadful, cold, rainy spring right into the summer heat and mugginess. Hey, I am not complaining! The shorts and sandals are out and summer has finally begun.

Jack is ready to pop. I don’t know if the kid will wait till the 23rd. Judging from his thrashing fits throughout the day (and night if you ask Jack), he’s trying to escape. We did learn a few fun facts about the little guy this weekend: he hates Chinese food and loves Lady Gaga (I mean who doesn’t?).

We went to Jack’s grandmother’s 80th birthday party at a Chinese restaurant this weekend and Jack barely made it home without booting. An 80th birthday party at a Chinese joint? Yea, don’t ask me. I think it’s the only place they could find where it still doesn’t matter if you rip butts indoors. It’s the only reason that comes to mind.

On Saturday (the gorgeous, hot, beautiful Saturday) we spent the majority of the day doing housework and getting the nursery in order. During lunch break, we were flipping through the channels and came across Lady Gaga Takeover. This is when Jack’s stomach turned into Studio 54. The kid loves Gaga! He was dancing like it was going out of style. I’m cool with him liking Gaga, but if Jack tries to put him in a meat-onesie, that’s where I draw the line.

I golfed yesterday and was able to get out of bed this morning, so that was a plus. Unfortunately, my bad back is back (did that make sense?). The furniture moving really did me in, although it didn’t feel great before. For the past month or so, I have been losing feeling in the lower part of my leg and foot. I don’t lose total feeling, but I get tingly and very weak. It feels like my shoelaces are tied too tight or someone just removed a tight elastic from my shin. It’s worse when I’m sitting, especially in the car. I remember the doctor at B+W’s told me that feeling weakness in my foot is a red flag, so I’m freaking out a bit. I have a chiropractor appointment on Thursday. I’m willing to give him a shot for a few weeks. I can’t get an injection any time soon because of the baby, so my only hope for the time being is the chiropractor. Hopefully he can provide some sort of relief. Any relief!

Tomorrow is June. I can’t believe how fast 8 months has gone by! I really need to swing by Barnes and Noble today and pick up How to Raise a Human Being for Dummies.

4 More Wins!!

Conversation between Jack and I back in March:

Me: If the B’s win the Cup, can we name the baby Stanley, Zdeno or atleast have his middle name be Cup?

Jack: (eye roll) Sure.

Four more wins Jack. Four more wins.

I’m also contemplating a name where his initials are CUP. For example, Charlie Ulysses Psoinos. CUP.

I’m just kidding. It will definitely be Zdeno if they win. Zdeno Psoinos. That’s arguably the best name of all time.

One More Month!!!!!

I cannot put my emotions into words. This video pretty much sums it up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H5CSBZz3eOI&feature=player_detailpage

I haven’t posted in awhile mainly because I haven’t done anything. I’ve been eating and shortening my Netflix queue, that’s about it. I’ve definitely hit an exercise plateau. Just in time for the summer too. Perfect timing! I’m 3 weeks into my 2nd go at P90X and I started biking on Saturdays, but I’m just not into it. My workouts are half-ass, at best, my diet is lucky to make it to Wednesday and I consume enough calories over the weekend to pretty much cancel out the soggy vegetables, slimy chicken and tasteless brown rice I gag over during the week. When I started working out in January, this upcoming week was my deadline week. I guess I’m pushing that up another month. The summer hasn’t started until July for the past couple of years, right? I have a few more weeks!

Since I’ve done nothing for the past few weekends, of course this weekend was jam packed.

Most of us are currently more preoccupied with our 2 playoff teams, but no one can pass up a night at Fenway.

Speaking of our playoff teams, how amazing is my Bruins playoff beard? You can’t get a great glimpse of it here, but I assure you it’s there. I started growing it the day they clinched the playoffs back in March. It’s not pretty, but true B’s fans grow playoff beards. That’s just how it works. I promised Jack that I would trim it if they swept Philly, so last weekend it got a little shorter.

Note to all men – never wake up your wife (especially if she’s preggers) with a broom after a series sweep. They don’t get sports and never will. Frigin pink hats.

Saturday was my third weekend in a row biking with my friend Harry. He is training for a half Ironman this summer and I told him I would join him on his Saturday rides as long as my back was up for it. I stopped riding in June last summer because I just couldn’t stay in that hunched position for an extended period of time. So far, so good this year. We did 30 miles on Saturday and I felt fine. Well, my legs felt like wet noodles, but my back made it, which is all that really matters. I have yet to swing a golf club this year, which will be the real spine test. I’m holding off as long as possible.

After my friend rode 30 miles and ran 5, I obviously made him help me move all the furniture in my house to my parent’s. Nice friend huh? I rented a U-Haul in Lawrence, which was a mistake right off the bat. It barely had breaks, no taillights and I’m pretty sure there was a huge blood stain on the passenger side door. I immediately understood where the blood stain came from as soon as I started driving back to my house. Has anyone ever driven a 17-foot truck through Lawrence on a Saturday? It’s comparable to driving a regular car blindfolded. I’m not sure that the residents of Lawrence understand that if they get hit by a car, they will be seriously injured or even die. They walk out in the middle of the street, on their cell phones, as if they’re inside a ‘no-death’ bubble. I can’t complain. I broke my own rule – never, ever go into Lawrence. Ever! Lesson learned.

We wanted to move into a real house before the baby was born. That was the plan anyway. Unfortunately our condo is worth less than a stripped ’07 Honda Accord, so I guess we’re staying put. Since we aren’t getting a new house, we figured we mine as well make our ‘old’ house look like a new house. We bought new furniture and we’re replacing the squirrel piss-soaked carpets this week with hardwood floors. We purchased 3 rooms worth of furniture about a month before Jordan’s Monster Deal and they wouldn’t allow us to participate in it. If a ball hits that sign, I’m burning down one of their stores.

My house currently looks like the set of Slumdog Millionaire. Computers on the floor, giant black rats running around, holes in the walls and a room filled with more shit than I even knew we owned. Some times I hear Tula crying because she is stuck in the middle of all the shit and can’t find her way out, so I have to climb into the pile and rescue her. That’s usually the low point of my day. Until 20 minutes later when she does it again, of course.

Saturday was Tula’s 4th birthday. I’m honestly shocked she made it this far. Nevermind her illnesses and that half the bones in her body have been surgically replaced with steel rods, the fact that I haven’t killed her yet is the real miracle. To celebrate her defying all odds for 4 years, we got her a birthday cake and my parent’s came over to watch her eat it. True story.

I couldn’t decide what was worse: sitting in my living room watching my dog eat a pet birthday cake or sitting in my living room watching my parents and Jacky watch the dog eat a pet birthday cake? Toss up. I also couldn’t decide who was more insane: Jack for taking Tula to the Barkery (no, not bakery) to pick out her own birthday cake or my parents for driving all the way to our house to watch her eat it? Again, toss up!

Come to think of it, I’ll give myself the award for most insane. I was the person later that night to help Tula into our bed. Yes, this is typically a nightly occurrence except our bed is currently a mattress on the floor! That squirrel/cat couldn’t jump onto the mattress and cried until someone picked her up. I know, pathetic! No, not the dog. Me!

This morning, I had to pick her up and put her on the ground. True story.

Happy belated Mother’s (and mothers-to-be) Day Moms!

Man vs Fluffernutters

I finally started shedding some pounds! It took about 4 months, but good things come to those who wait, I suppose. To recap my post-NYC body transformation, I gained 23 lbs from November 7th to the beginning of January. No, that is not a typo. Twenty three pounds! I started P90X on January 17th and just finished last week. During that time, I gained another 9 lbs. Awesome!

You can argue that the 9 lbs is muscle, but typically muscles are visible to the naked eye. If this is true and I have gained 9 lbs of muscle, I believe it is under about 23 lbs of fluffernutters.

I do feel stronger after 90 days. I can absolutely do more pull-ups and push-ups, there is no doubt about that. Do I look different? Not at all! I love when people ask me if I just started P90X, when I actually just finished. Asking me if it worked afterward is simply uncalled for. I know you are mocking me at that point.

The area where I notice and feel the most difference is, believe it or not, my legs. My quads and calfs are visibly more toned. The area where I wanted to help the most, my abs, was a complete failure. My main objective when I started the videos was to strengthen my core, so I didn’t have to walk to the bathroom in the morning at a 90 degree angle. P90X has an ab video called Ab Ripper X that you do 3 days/week. I never skipped one and I did each exercise till it felt like someone was sticking a hot poker into my stomach. I’m not sure what else to do? Again, it may have worked and the fluffernutters are hiding the results. Come to think of it, this is the most logical reason. If given the choice between fluffernutters and a 6-pack? I choose fluffernutters 9 out of 10 times. They’re amazing!

I’m not knocking P90X. Again, I can feel the results. I know the muscles are in there somewhere, even though you can’t really see them. The main reasons for the weight loss is because I have been on a strict diet and finally started running again. Running always makes me lose weight, but I had been hesitant because of my back. But so far, so good.

I’ve been running 5 miles, 2-3 days/week on the treadmill for about 3 weeks. I still do P90X before I go to the gym, so I am a bit tired once I get there. Other than that, the running has been positive thus far. My back feels pretty good and my legs feel strong. The only downside to my runs is my new iPod, which I absolutely loathe. My uncle (who always asks to be mentioned in my blogs…….be careful what you ask for) ended my old iPod’s life with a hammer, so a new one had to be purchased. Why did he hit my iPod with a hammer you ask? Only Freud would know that answer, unfortunately. Only Freud.

I’ve been consuming 850 calories and 91g of protein before dinner, every day and I allow myself 1,000 calories for dinner. Not that I have a 1,000 calorie dinner every night, but it evens out over the course of the week. For instance, I may have a salad for dinner one night and steak and mashed potatoes another. I have also been conscientious of my above average desire for ice cream and have been trying to limit my sugar cravings to Saturday nights. The cupcakes, ice cream, box of M&M’s and homemade fried dough I had on Saturday does not count, of course (holiday weekend!). I know, the fried dough was a bit excessive. It was the heat of the moment, second overtime, no fingernails left. I was in an extremely vulnerable state!

If I had to choose between fluffernutters and homemade fried dough? I would choose fried dough 9 out of 10 times. You can make a fluffernutter at home! You only visit your fat friends with the frialator once and awhile.